i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
