My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
