Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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