guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
