He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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