I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
