Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
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Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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