Im at strip club and am horny
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
