I wish I only lived at night.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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