she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
