I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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