Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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