you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
smell my finger.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
