How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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