Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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