I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
