God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
