After last night, I could never be a politician.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
