He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
