i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
