I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
