I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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