my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
