I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
