Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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