When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
