I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Even my vagina gasped.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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