after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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