he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
