I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
