I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This is classic penis vs brain.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
