I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
