What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
