i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
