Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
