I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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