Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
