i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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