Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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