I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
