my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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