i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
