Don't you send me to vm
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
