Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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