im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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