I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
