i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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