the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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