my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
