Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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