Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
