I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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