Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just found puke in my bra..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
