if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
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