non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
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I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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