bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
