We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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